When Fairness Rules The Workplace

From a time in the not so distant future

The President of the United States announced today that “Total Fairness” has finally been achieved in the workplace. The President credited the inspired leadership of the newest federal agency, the Federal Agency for Impartiality and Respect (FAIR) for making fairness possible. In the future organization will create fairness by the following mandated practices.

Role of the Organization
• The organization exists to meet all employees’ needs. Therefore only meaningful work can be assigned. Additionally, company prayer will be held each day with prayers directed to the federal government who made the equal and fair workplace possible. Prayers will be read from an approved prayer list made available through the Federal Department of Adulation and Prayers (DAP).

Customers
• Customers of an organization are not allowed to return
any product since that is demeaning to the employees who produced them.
• Customers may not request individual employees to service them or recognize the contributions of a specific individual. All employees are considered equally superior.
• Companies must share all customers and all prices must be equal so that no one company has an advantage over others.

Productivity
• Every employee must have the same productivity goals regardless of job title, capability or tenure. (The President admitted this did create some situations in which certain work was not done but the overall impact on teamwork and camaraderie was worth the minor inconvenience).
• Profit is not allowed. Funds will be used to first pay for salaries and maintenance of business. Any money that is left over belongs to the government who created the capability to make profit.

Assignment of Work
• Experience and talent may not be considered in any job assignment or decision
o No criteria will exist for consideration to apply for any job. All interested persons are equally invited to apply for any and all jobs they might desire.
• Any employee who wishes to change their job may do so. In order to protect the maximum efficiency of the organization job changes must occur only at the beginning of the workday unless the employee contends there is emotional stress involved. It is acceptable to have multiple people doing the same job in to meet everyone’s desires.
• All employees are free to accept of reject any work assignment

Pay and Benefits
• Work hours will be from 10-3 each day with a one-hour lunch break. These hours will be strictly adhered to in order to ensure work-life balance is maintained and that work stress is eliminated
o Mandatory Workplace wellness will occur from 10-11.
o Work will occur from 11-12 and 1-2.
o Lunch will be taken from 12-1.
o Mindfulness will occur from 2-3 in order that only happy thoughts will occur on the way home.

• Employees are entitled to as much leave as they desire except that all employees must be given as much leave as the employee who requests the most.
o If any employee takes maternity leave, all employees must be given equal time off. It is not fair for some select people to be given time off for the purely selfish purpose of bearing children. Additionally, it is hurtful to those who are single or childless.
o If any worker takes a break, vacation time or time off to attend training all workers must be given equal time. No action can occur that makes an employee feel they are overworked, being taken advantage of or doing more than their fair share.
• Salaries will be identical from the CEO to the shop floor. Everyone gives their best so all must be compensated equally.
• Promotions and pay raises must be given to all employees simultaneously. No employee can be rewarded for better performance than others because of the hurt caused to other co-workers who tried hard.

Hiring
• If there are multiple applications for vacancies in an organization, companies are required to hire at least triple the number of people required to ensure that equal opportunity occurs. Persons hired must be from different protected groups.
• Hiring must reflect the exact percentages of each protected groups as they exist in the nation. Definition of protected group are at the sole discretion of the federal government. Vacancies must remain open until the appropriate balance is achieved and maintained. If balance is not possible, vacancies may not be filled until unit candidates achieving the proper ratio are found.

Leadership
• All employees will be given the opportunity to be a formal leader in the newly mandated rotating leadership system (RLS). (Every employee will receive extra compensation for being an informal leader in his or her normal position). However, if it is a white male’s turn to lead, a member of a minority group must be appointed co-leader to make up for the years of institutional discrimination.
• The appointed leader may only perform three tasks:
o Provide positive recognition and encouragement to employees (equally).
o State work that need to be done in order to solicit volunteers.
o Convene teams of workers to collaborate.

Innovation and Creativity
• Innovation is not permitted. Changing anything to make it better implies the work of previous workers was unsatisfactory. This is hurtful and demeaning to previous groups of employees all the way back to the original Native Americans.

Recognition
• Each employee will be recognized at least once per hour.
• All Employee of the Year awards and any other employee recognition must be equally shared with all employees. Any employee recognition plaques or certificates must be large enough to record all employees’ names. Names will be listed in random order since listing names alphabetically is discriminatory to those at the end of the alphabet.

Culture
• All companies will conform to the cultural norms specific by the Federal Agency for Impartiality and Respect. (FAIR)
o Happiness will permeate all levels of the organization.
o No stress, conflict or negative vibes are allowed
o Equal everything
o No work can exist that is not meaningful
o No individual contributions; teamwork is preeminent
• Collaboration in teams is the only approved decision making process. Voting is the preferred style so that everyone’s voice counts.
• No offensive speech is allowed. The Homogenization Department must give prior approval to all delivered presentations and speeches to ensure any potentially offensive speech is removed.
• All employee points of view must be embraced, not just tolerated. Any published materials from any employee on any social media platform must be “liked” by all other employees.

In conclusion, The President thanked the inspired leadership of FAIR for creating fairness in the workplace; something business and industry have been unable to do at any point in the history of the United States.

In Related News

The Society of Human Resource People (title was changed from professional recently to avoid insinuating that others were not professional) announced that since colleges had discontinued the use of all grades except for “A”, it was harder to screen and review application. SHRP is proposing a lottery system to fill vacancies to avoid any kind of subjective hiring decision.

In other news SHRP announced that its member companies are reporting the numbers of job applications for positions with little or no responsibility are increasing astronomically while jobs with heavier responsibilities (CEO) had few volunteers. SHRP is conducting a survey to find out why people feel that way although SHRP postulates it might have something to do with equal salaries for all jobs. As a result, it is taking years to fill jobs like mail room clerk while people are being forced to assume senior leadership positions (SHRP now calls this assignment a disciplinary promotion).

The Federal Department of Equal Effort (formerly known as Department of Labor) announced the closing of another 10,000 small businesses resulting in 1,000,000 employees losing their jobs. Since the federal government meets all these outwardly mobile employees’ needs, the national unemployment rate remained at 1.1%.

The Congressional Budget Office today announced that the deficit had risen to $100 Trillion. The deficit is expected to spike in the upcoming quarter.

China announced today it was discontinuing any loans to the United States. All previous loans were to be repaid within 30 days.

The President of Russia announced nuclear warheads were being placed on the island of Cuba to ensure that the western hemisphere could be policed in case of rebellion or chaos.